Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
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Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
at ease…shoulder.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
TODAY
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you