yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
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I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
“you changed” bro i was 15
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Those are good neighbors.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.