wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
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Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Life hack
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.