The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
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I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Scream sneezers need love too.
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
This guy gets it.