[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
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I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
I feel this so hard
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Wise advice
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry