Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
You Might Also Like
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
Ordered ribs so I’d have to put my phone down. Discovered new talent. Pinky scroll
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified