Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
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“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
How I’d get arrested…
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions