I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
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Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
what if everything’s a hellscape because Adele got happy and needed material
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”