If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
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Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.