wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
You Might Also Like
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
I didn’t answer the door when my neighbor knocked because I didn’t feel like it, but then they started having a whole gathering outside and now I have to pretend I’m not home for probably another 2-3 hours.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?