I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
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“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Smooooooth
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
*has no idea what a book even is*
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35