If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
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God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.