You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
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[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved