My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
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Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
[spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is McConaughey
McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?Judge: We have no idea
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.