doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
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If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
This squirrel eats better than I do
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”