imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
You Might Also Like
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
I’d like to speak to America’s manager.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.