My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
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I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
The news in a nutshell.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Therapist: …and if you don’t start working to control your anxiety, you’ll never stop making your own private hell
Me: so I get to be the devil
Therapist: no absolutely no-
Me: Very cool
Therapist: wait but
Me: incredibly cool
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*