If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
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Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector, and fire is real.
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.