Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
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Best spot.. 😅
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
gm
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.