I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
You Might Also Like
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
everyone’s a critic
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub