We need to put an American base on the sun
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Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees