Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
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Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
my nickname in college
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*