a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
You Might Also Like
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Wife: He’s your son!
Me: So you say! But I don’t…
*Kid dances across the room to the Benny Hill theme song*
Me: …ok fine he’s my son.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Mayonnaise has been getting a lot of hate, but if you don’t shake up a squeeze bottle of mustard well enough, it will pee on your sandwich.
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.