therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
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I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming
January is lasting longer than my marriage
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami