If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
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Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO