[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
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Easy enough.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.