me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
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So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks