Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
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Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration