It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
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Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
How I’d get arrested…
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.