My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
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[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Plant care tips
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
rich people when they have to pay taxes
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy