The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
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wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”