My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
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One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
and now we wait
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it