Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
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I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”