BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
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“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again
Ape together strong
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
can’t believe I got front row seats
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair