Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
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If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
i love meeting boys on tinder
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“No.”