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I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Yet another thing they should’ve saw coming
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM