im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
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Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Never let them know your next move 😂
can you read it!!??
maan!
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?