Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
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I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
I triple waxed for this?
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.