Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
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Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
New comic up. “Ransom”
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.