me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
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why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
man: wait
time: no
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth