It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
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I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much