People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
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friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
A French press is when you hug naked
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out