i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
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When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.