Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
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american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.