If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
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time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
me hitting on a model
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
Worth the read.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye