Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
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I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
All is fair in drunk and war.