If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
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M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
road rage
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.