Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
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[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.