Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
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Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
mom gave me mine for free
Told my 11 and 8 next time I take their electronics away I’d also be responding to all texts they receive.They’ve been well behaved since.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
wife: ugh the baby’s been crying for hours, can you take over?
me: sure *starts crying for hours*
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.