Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
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I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
Things I’m leaving in 2021:
Telling my kids to brush their teeth. Have fun with cavities you dummies.
Hiding my snacks from kids. No you can’t have any. Get a job and buy your own.
Waiting until 5pm to drink wine. 9am rosé pairs well with another lockdown and virtual learning.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.